Tuesday, May 1, 2012

A year of emotions!

Mike and the kids watching for fish. LOVE THIS PICTURE. Cassidi is on the far right.

A year ago May 6th my brother, Mike Dahle, passed away. If you want to read about some of the "stuff" that was dealt all of us that last few weeks you can read this blog, I am not going into all of that now. It was a long journey and a very difficult one. The last year has brought so many emotions... learning, coping, grieving, crying, anger and about every emotion you could think of. So now a year has passed, I have been to his grave twice in the last year. Once on Memorial Day last year and I was super surprised how easy  unemotional it was. I put flowers on his grave, didn't shed a tear and walked away with a pretty calm feeling. Second visit to his grave was last August, it was not so easy, in fact it was terrible. I spent about 20 seconds there and cried so hard I couldn't breath. I couldn't shake it, it haunted me and it haunted Sam even more. He watched the melt down of the century.

So where am I going with this. Do I even know?? Ummmm!!!, not really.

My family is going to dinner on Sunday, the 1 year anniversary of his death. Not to be sad but to reminisce about life and just all be together. My Mom wanted us to all go to the grave together. At first I thought that was a WONDERFUL idea. We could all go there and be happy and talk about him and take pictures, etc. etc. etc... However, I know that is something I cannot do. I can't go with my kids, husband, Mom and try to keep composed of the Anniversary of something that has hurt so bad. I don't want to be strong for my Mom or not let it bother me because my kids will be there or see Sam's heart breaking because I am sad.

So, what is a girl to do???

Maybe not the best idea I have ever had I am taking tomorrow afternoon off. To drive to Idaho, ALONE, and to go to his grave and try to get some kind of handle on this emotion. Spend some alone time and just get a grip on everything.

I am usually an open book!!! I am not a private person, but during Mike's death and the weeks following I liked my privacy, I liked ALONE, I didn't answer phones, have friends come over, I dealt with it by withdrawing and doing exactly what had to be done to get through that time. So that is what I am doing tomorrow. I am going to go into my own little world, with Mike, take some flowers and memories and reflect on the last year, and cope.

Doesn't that sound like a hell of a good time!!! Wish me luck!